Journal Entry 1

It's 4:30 AM and I'm glad I woke up because I haven't written in several days. All we have here on the ward are the little pencils I remember using to record scores at the miniature golf course as a child. Hell, I hate all pencils anyway, unless they're mechanical. Guess I'm spoiled.

Anyway, they discharged me from the cardiac unit on Monday, but there was no bed available in the "Retreat", the psych hospital voluntary unit where I was supposed to go, so I was kept one more night at the general hospital before being transferred to the psych hospital. When I got here though, there were STILL no beds at the Retreat so I had to stay on the involuntary unit a night.

I'm sure some of you know what it's like in an involuntary section of a mental hospital. It's not fun. I wasn't allowed to have any of my things except for a glasses case, a book, and my clothes (as long as there are no cords in them). They took my knee and ankle supports which I have been relying on since my injury in summer, so I am in pain when I walk.

I was moved up to the Retreat yesterday afternoon. The rules are similar here but I am more at ease. Having my own room, my own shower, having some art on the walls and being around more or less sane people - these things all help.

I did start getting second thoughts yesterday, though. Am I sick enough for this? Then I found out I may have to stay up to twelve treatments, initially I thought six. My dog is not boarded that long and god knows I miss her and my cat and my apartment as well. But two things soothed my mind regarding this decision, the first being my dad's visit. He told me to do what I came to do and that he would take care of my dog and everything else. Then, I went to speak to a psychiatrist for an in-hospital second opinion, which is apparently required. The psychiatrist I spoke with has been performing ECT for many years and was encouraging about the treatment. He told me that I will know whether the ECT is working within two to three treatments and that I can stop whenever I want.

I'm getting my first treatment here in a little over an hour, it's 5 AM and I go down at 6:30. The tech just popped in to take my blood pressure and he said he'll bring up a hospital gown for the procedure. They stopped my lithium last night for some sort of medical clearance for the treatment. I'm scared about that but I guess I won't know whether I am improving unless I have at least some symptoms in the beginning. Hopefully the ECT picks up and starts working before the lithium wears off too much.